Like in the video games I only have a limited lifetime left for watching movies left. I’ve tried and failed twice to get into them, and while I’d like to see more in the second half of life I’ll probably never get around to anything but what I feel like watching, maybe with a classic here and there because my working knowledge of movies is still embarrassingly bad and easily my weak point in trivia. I know more about Kim Kardashian than Elizabeth Taylor – Kim blew Ray J (who actually has bad heart disease right now), in a Jeopardy thread where the contestant blew a question about Blue Velvet, “well what else do you associate with Taylor?” Uh, she was married to my state’s senator? I had never heard of Blue Vwlver. What a whore, btw. Elizabeth Taylor and Kim Kardashian. And Madonna. And Creampie Cathy, Australia’s finest export.

I can tell you this, I won’t get into dilm watching weird experimental and watching some shitty second movie just so I’ve filled out the filmography of some C-list genre director, the way I have Jethro Tull’s Catfish Rising (Crest of a Knave, Part 3 – both bette vetter and more tired-sounding than Rock Island. The other two ’90s albums are legit underrated gems though, just as long as you’re not expecting ’70s or even ’80s Tull). Then again, because I didn’t get into movies young I had more time to discover Roots to Branches and J-Tull Dot Com, the latter about as lyrically dated as possible, going back to dial-up. Alas, “Wicked Windows” is about eyeglasses, not Win98.

Huh, I had open a tab for like six months called “Ten movies I wish I could watch for the first time again”, which I found to my advantage since for nine of them it really would be my first time (Pulp Fiction being the odd man out) but closed it. Can you suggest such a list? I guarantee at least five of them I haven’t seen.

Thanks for spoiling Saw, morherfucker. I was planning on watching that someday. Spoiler: Paranormal Activity ends with the greatest jump scare of all time when you’re not expecting it.

PS: yes I know Bruce Willis is dead, but it brought about the best porn parody title I See Gay People. There was probably more than one. There are at least three Bareback Mountains.