“Your wife has some sweet pussy,” were the words some fan greeted Tommy Lee with backstage, which confuses Tommy but he feels it sounds like an insult somehow so he punches the kid out. Turns out the chick he’d been banging secretly took pics of them having sex and sold them to Celebrity Sex. Tommy still forks out for a ring and calls his parents he’s getting married to this same crazy girl called Bullwinkle by the other band members because she has a face like a moose, but he loves her because she can squirt cum across a room into a bucket. But things go sour when she keeps calling his mother a cunt all night and so he kicks her out of the limo and punches her teeth out.

Whee! The Dirt is the trashiest book I’ve ever tucked into. The entire book is one page after the other of stories just like that, and that’s one the tamer ones. I don’t know if I can stomach 400 more pages of this, but it’s fun in small doses, like a shot of tequila off the stomach of a midget tranvestite Mexican whore.