RIP Brian Wilson

The Beach Boys aren’t just one of my all-time favourite rock groups. The story of Brian Wilson, along with those of other musicians and composers who have struggled with mental illness, is part of the reason I chose the occupation I’m in today.
I had the pleasure of seeing Brian Wilson perform twice: first with the Beach Boys’ 50th Anniversary Reunion Tour in 2012, and then on his solo Pet Sounds 50th Anniversary Tour in 2016, where he was joined by Al Jardine and Blondie Chaplin.
I remember seeing Brian Wilson shuffling on stage with a parkinsonian gait, masked facies, and clear signs of tardive dyskinesia (involuntary mouth movements). It was apparent that he had endured significant exposure to antipsychotic medications over his lifetime. Brian was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and his mental health struggles have been well documented. The film Love & Mercy vividly depicts his psychotic break during the 1960s and the subsequent exploitation he suffered under psychologist Eugene Landy. Landy exercised abusive control over Brian’s life for years, including administering excessive doses of antipsychotic medications as part of his manipulation made the sight of witnessing the physical lasting consequences of his abuse he receive quite emotionally moving.

The celebration of Brian Wilson’s performances during those concerts was never really about his vocal performance, which had significantly deteriorated, with his bandmates and supporting vocalists carrying much of the musical load. Rather, it was the fact that he was still performing at all — after everything he had endured — that made it so inspiring. His resilience, recovery from severe mental illness, and ability to perform in his later years is what moved audiences far more than any technical musical quality.

He wrote some of the most beautiful, uplifting, and optimistic music — music that often felt too beautiful for this world, and perhaps for his own life experiences. But the song I want to highlight is Til I Die, which Brian has said he wrote while feeling deeply depressed and preoccupied with death. In the song, he laments his insignificance and powerlessness: he is “the cork on the ocean,” “the rock in a landslide,” “the leaf on a windy day.” He asks, “How deep is the ocean? How deep is the valley?” — implying that the depths of his depression could feel endless. The resignation in the line, “These things I’ll be until I die,” reflects the hopelessness he felt at the time — the fear that the darkness might never lift.

That Brian was ultimately able to recover, find happiness in marriage, complete the once-lost Smile album, and return to touring and performing is what makes his story and watching him perform live so profoundly inspiring.